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Rocking Jakarta

Well I'm here in Jakarta, Indonesia. 

It's an eye opener.  Under fly ways in the city, the poor live their lives out in shacks, hotels are fenced/walled in and guarded by uniformed personnels, it's ok to smoke inside crowded malls and money can buy VIP treatment. 

I have been treated like a VIP the minute I landed.  A man holds up a paper that looked like it has been hastily folded and carried around in his pocket.  He stood alone at the bottom of the escalator just before I reached the immigration counter.  The paper had my name on it.  I went up to him and said hello, pointed to the paper and said 'that's me'.  He spoke in English but I couldn't understand what he was saying.  I caught the part where he said follow me and give me your passport.  So I handed him the documents and he pointed me to an empty lane where the airport guards smiled and motion for me to pass.  There were long lines of people waiting at the other counters and I looked at the stranger again like 'are you sure I can just walk out of here like I own the country?'  He nodded.  Not bad.  I'm happy with Jakarta so far. 

Then I was introduced to my chauffeur who took me to the Four Seasons Hotel.  We passed the Australian Embassy where the damage from the bomb blast not too long ago is still visible.  And the driver points it out like it's a historic monument.  Then we passed the Marriott - another terrorized landmark.  Sheesh, this is beginning to feel creepy.  I wonder if the Four Seasons is anywhere near a 'targetted' embassy. 

We finally arrive at my hotel.  At the gate, our car was opened to be checked.  Mirrors attached to rods swept the undercarriage of the car for bombs.  And the security guards looked at us a good minute before smiling and waving us through.  But wait, it's not over yet.  At the entrance to the hotel, every visitor had to walk through a metal detector and molested before we can enter.  Man, I don't know if I should feel relieved the hotel is taking so much precaution or shocked at being violated. 

I freshened up and headed straight to meet the folks I am here to meet.  More meetings tomorrow and I think I'll order room service for dinner.  I looked like a ho drinking coffee alone in the lounge.  I'll check out the hotel band later after I get in to play WoW for a bit. 

My First Brazilian.

OMFG...Da Pain!!!!

One fine day, I told myself "It wasn't cool enuf just going for a bikini wax, I had to have a brazilian wax."  And during the ordeal, I'm like "WTF was I thinking?"

I walked into a spa in swanky Bangsar last Saturday and walked out funny half an hour later.  A friend asked how women could go through it without feeling embarassed.  Well, when the pain hits you, you just want to spread it wide and get it over with QUICK!! 

What I don't get is how women can go through this.  It's all for sex as this writer pointed out.  She described the experience so well. 

I'm one who'll try anything twice.  Will I do this again?  Yes.  For what you ask? If I take it off for sex, maybe I'll get some.  LOL.

Spring Lotus

If you were like J, wondering why I had chosen the name ‘Spring Lotus’ rather than ‘Springing Tiger’ for my character in an online game, here’s why.

'Spring Lotus' is the name of a very exquisite and expensive Imperial Soup. Have you heard of ‘The Buddha Jump Over The Wall' soup? The 'Buddha Jump..' is the economy version, spin off from Spring Lotus Soup.

Spring Lotus Soup takes one week to prepare and only by licensed chef after 20 years of practice. Lately, there’s been a lot of bogus Spring Lotus Soup chef who claim they possess the original recipe passed down from 14 generations ago. Don’t be fooled. No one can pass down a Spring Lotus Soup recipe. All chefs are killed when the emperor dies to serve him in the afterlife. Ah but then, the recipe survived. It was secretly documented by the imperial scribe who had frequent trysts with one of the emperor’s concubines in the Han Dynasty. Read on.

The benefits of Spring Lotus Soup are -

1. It allows one to show off one’s wealth to business associates, a popular practice among Chinese businessmen. The rare herbs costs more than a dozen magnums of champagne and there are 50 varieties of rare herbs in Spring Lotus Soup. Chefs have to buy insurance to prepare this soup incase something goes wrong in the kitchen like if he mistook the 'kei chi' for the 'kim chee'. It would be bankrupcy court instead of the Imperial Court Restaurant for him the next day. Many Spring Lotus Soup chefs have committed suicide over a Spring Lotus Soup gone wrong.

2. Spring Lotus Soup magnifies orgasms in women 100 times (spread over 5 screaming multiple Os). The concubines in the Han Dynasty swear by Spring Lotus Soup to get by the night. You must have read that the Emperors in the Han Dynasty were not well known for their looks or sexual performance. It is not an easy job to ‘fake-it’ every night. One concubine quoted in a tragic Chinese tale "Spring Lotus Soup helped bring out the animal in me so I could see past the beast I was with."

But one can easily be addicted to it as was told in another tragic tale of ‘The Hideous Concubine – The One With The Double Eyelids’. Back then, the concubines were abundant and the herbs were not so the soup was rationed to only the concubines the Emperor would visit that evening. Some concubines such as this most hideous one only got to see the Emperor once at most twice a year. She worked out a deal with the scribe (who was related to the chef) to steal the recipe so she could make it herself and to trade for jewels or favors with the other concubines in the harem. The Emperor found out one day and ordered her death by Spring Lotus Soup. She ODed and died of exhaustion. Tragic indeed but not unpleasant at all. Before her death, the recipe was smuggled out of the Imperial Concubines quarters to a distant relative. Thank heavens the lost recipe was discovered after the Cultural Revolution for the world to enjoy this time.

You should all try it. Find a restaurant that serves Imperial Dishes (remember - not cheap) and ask for 1 bowl of Spring Lotus Soup, then ask for 10 spoons(if you are feasting with 10 friends). You must order 1 week in advance. In KL, I’ve only found Imperial Dishes served at the Shangrila Hotel. It's yummy.

You can thank me later.

(My characters in Open Beta were Spring Lotus and Lotus Pokus.  P2P: Lotus.  See Lotus in action.)

Ryze To The Occasion

A month ago, I signed up at Ryze.com just to see what it's like after a friend told me about the local network of Ryzers. They had their first Mixer or gathering at Tierra. It sounded like fun if they meet at pubs regularly.

It was unbelievable. After I signed up, I was swamped with mail the first few weeks with welcome messages from strangers all over the world evangelizing MLM. They would all sign my guest book (a practice from the last century that was surprizingly very much alive in Ryze). The local network was also very active. I had to switch off the discussion board notification after a week. Too much information already.

Yesterday I joined them at their 3rd mixer in a country club. It's one of those where you have to stick a label with your name on your chest. There's nothing I dislike more than wearing labels at a party and they only had beer. So, I decided it would be a very short stay for me. Maybe I'll split after dinner.

But I started a conversation with an activist writer then a lawyer who went to the same tuition center when we were younger. The most amazing encounter was with a guy I had not seen in 20 years. And I stayed past dinner until I found out THERE WILL BE GAMES!! Oh no.

So back to this guy. First thing he said was "I know you, you were thinner then. I called you chopsticks. We used to hang out at Dino's and later at BIS Computers (like a past life ago).  It took me awhile but when the memory came flooding back. My heart warmed and I remembered he was a boy 4 years younger.

We met at a computer store. This was the place we hung out to play computer games. I cracked games mostly and wrote harmless worms into softwares. He reminded me on how I used to talk in hexadecimals and machine language. And I had no idea he had a crush on me because I was like Lara Croft to him. Spunky and cool. Wow, did I really have that effect on people? He is happily married now and I hope we'll get to stay in touch.

I left during a break in the games. It was awkward, like signing guest books on people's webpages. Perhaps I should go to AA meetings instead.

Happy & Sad.

Sadness. I've been a true blue dog-and-only-dog lover forever. Until last year, when I became an accidental cat owner.

An alley cat got pregnant twice and delivered 2 litters in my backyard. One survived from the 1st batch & all three from the second. I cared for them and grew to love them. They sleep in the house and go out through a hole in the back door whenever they like. And wherever they go, they would always return home to eat, sleep and sit on my lap. But two of them did not come home this week. I went searching today armed with a pendulum and I failed to find them. My heart is breaking wondering what might have happened.

I am dedicating a few lines of silence for their safe return soon.

.

The Day After

I was badly shaken by the experience yesterday night. I did not mind losing my CD player, my house keys and the chain around my neck but to be threatened with a machete aimed at my jugular was not funny. I stood there shaking after they were gone and it took me a while to pick up my bike and cycle home. When I got home, shock was replaced with anger. All night, I was thinking what I could have done at that moment. Like look at the license plate number, color of the mugger's bike - stuff like that. But all I could remember was the damn machete.

Today I found a few bruises on my leg, not as bad as the ones I get from my wreckless mountain biking trips. Flesh wounds can heal but my belief that people are good, especially motorcyclists, may take longer. All I could think of today was the feel of a baseball bat swinging and not hitting a ball. I do not like this feeling at all.

Got a big hug from Uncle Rob and his dog Peanut. I think my homicidal tendencies are going away now.

They will pay for this.

I got mugged tonight. At machete point!!!! What an unbelievable start to a new year. I just want to take my car out and run down every fucking motocyclists on the road, send them all to God and let Him sort them out.

Of all places, I got mugged in my neighborhood. It's not even Harlem for Christ's sakes. All I want was to take my bike out and cycle in peace. So what if it happens to be near midnight. Fuck, I wish I was in Harlem where I can own a Smith and fucking Wesson to blow the balls off these fuckheads for messing with me.

I'm at the colorful stage right now, the one that follows shock and disbelief. I want to see blood.

Good Times.

How time flies when you're with great company and great music.

Was @ Tierra on Monday night till past 1am with Tom & the guys (friends who will always think I look great and for that I'll always love them). And my favorite song was playing on Astro's rock station - Blurry from Puddle of Mudd. All the tunes before & after Blurry were also great. So time flew by before I realized I got to get up in a few hours for work

A (Career) Suicide Note
Anyways, this week is my last week at work. I'm really going to miss working with some of the coolest and talented bunch of people in the agency - my team and my tribe. Sorry to leave you guys stuck on the island. Atleast, one of you have been elevated to the council of Sauron. Beware of the seductive power of the ring. Anchor your faith only in God not the other 3 letter word (passionately referred to as the CEO).

I'll also miss some of the best clients I've come across. There were more laughter than grief. Through good times and bad we stood together in true partnership. Except maybe for one whose brand sounds like FedUp. Enough said. I am DHL's biggest fan since.

I drink to everyone's success. Let's rock 2004.

Update: I have a new clubbing record till 7am in the morning. Ecstasy free. Like I said, time just flies when you're having fun with an awesome bunch of people.

Joy to the World

Agency life is not heaven. Yes, it can sometimes be glamorous and exciting. Most times, it's very much like what you see in the show Survivor. Each day, you pray you won't get voted off the island. Doesn't matter if you are a suit or a creative. The pressure is on to survive.

So we strike alliances and together, we work to out do, out wit and out live the other teams. We win immunities when an award winning ad gets sold or we win a new piece of business. For a brief moment, we get to feel like we're on top of the world and our backs would get sore from all the pats.

It's a great feeling but nothing beats what happened today. The creative chief was shown the door, voted off the island, sent packing, vanquished and whatever description we can find to describe all that's good for mankind. The source of grief for over 70% of the agency's staff is now history. Joy to the world.

And the CEO is flying off for Christmas today and won't be back till next year. The island will have no chiefs. Man, this is the best season cliff hanger (or season finale for one) I've ever seen.

I have so many reasons to celebrate this season already. Can there possibly be more?

I did it.

Yes sir, I did. I QUIT!!! I'm busting out of here.  Best of luck to the CEO filling the hole I'm leaving behind - the one that's six feet under.

Don't ask what my plans are because I have none yet. What's the worse that can happen? (Shit, I may have to plug MLM.)

The Holy Bible - PC Version?

It's been a while. Since being featured in TV Smith's site, I have been going through a mountain of fan mails, MLM solicitations and threats for blogging His name in vain.

Let's see, what's new. I just bought a new Palm Tungsten T3. Took a long time to decide between this and the pocket pc. In the end, I didn't relish the thought of retyping all the names and addresses on my contact list so I stuck with the palm. This is my 3rd palm pda. Hey, where's my loyalty card?

Someone will be interested to know - I have a copy of the My Bible NIV version installed. There's also a modern translation - about time.

When I was a kid and had to memorize the 10 commandments in Sunday School, I asked the question "What does 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife' means?" Nobody could give me an answer. Now I know why. It means, You should not F**K your neighbor's wife. Good grief, the 10 commandments should be rated X, censored, whatever!! There are kids in church, damnit. And wait a minute. Why is it one sided? What about your neighbor's husband? This book is not politically correct. I object.

Hi-Fu-luting morning.

I attended a medical seminar today announcing the arrival of a piece of new technology in the treatment of cancer in Malaysia. I'm always eager to learn new things (I live up to my resume).

I arrived early and in the company of doctors and medical professionals, I stood out like a tumor. I tried to remain benign and sat quietly reading my product leaflet front to back and then back to front listening to conversations around me. I overheard a serious dicussion on temporal lobes or was it temporary earlobes and decided to continue reading the speaker's CV for the 5th time, counting the number of vowels in each line.

Hifu or High Intensity Focused Ultrasound targets a tumor in the body and burns it away with high intensity ultrasound. The surrounding tissue remains unaffected so the patient can heal faster. It's an amazing piece of technology. Yes, with some difficulty, I did manage to get all this out of the talk.

The doctor who presented seem to speak in tongues. I had no frigging clue what he was saying. I know doctors have a hard time writing legibly. Today I found they also talk like they write. I have no doubt this doctor is brilliant. The lives this technology will save will be many more.

At the end of the powerpoint presentation, the doctor ended with a picture of a cow's liver etched through HIFU with the word 'HIFU'. I thought that was cute. Then the guy next to me thought out loud "I wonder if we can market this technology to people who will pledge their undying love to their spouse by HIFU-ing their liver with 'I love Simone'?" Well, you ain't getting me to HIFU nothing for nobody. I'll stick to Tofu, thank you.

Update:
- TV Smith spiked my blog. I should start selling ad space to Semenex.
- Waiting for good news from my headhunter.
- Jam tonight at the pseudo cafe.

4 Years to Life

Friends who know me knows I've been serving time as an AAD for forever and some years. I was promised parole several times and this time it was within grasp but my prison warden was suddenly gunned down in the line of duty. The new warden was pleasant but wiped my exceptionally good behavior slate clean and expect me to serve another 6 more months to prove I can contribute to society. I've had enough of this ball and chain routine. Our prison revolt recently did manage to improve the prison situation and lessen the humiliating treatment for all the cell mates but I cannot bear another 6 months of hard labor. I've also ran out of wall space marking the days I've been here. So I've hatched an escape plan, code named : Spear Factor 1. I'll dress up like Britney and distract the warden and the guards before I spear them and make a break for freedom.

I'm still grieving over the untimely departure of the previous warden. I hope he's doing well in the Entrepreneur's Heaven.

This blog has been written in code. I find it a fitting analogy that even some of you can identify with.

My Lamentations 12:24

I'm still running the events of Saturday night's party in my head. I can't reconcile with what had happened. Have I just attended a party or a religious gathering or an MLM?

I was led to believe it would be a soiree with my client as well as members from his church to celebrate the autumn moon festival. At the mention of church members, I expected some singing in praise of the Lord and maybe a short prayer before we dive for the food. "It would be safe", I thought.

First thing I encountered was someone taking my name and personal details on a book and sticking a label with my name to my blouse. I looked around, well, atleast I'm not alone. I'll try to blend in.

Then we played games so everybuddy gets to know everybuddy.

But before that I was approached by someone who asked "Are you a Christian?". Aha! I know what they're up to now. So I said "Yes, I am, on paper. But I do believe God is in everything and everywhere and not just this external source the way you see it. As I'm talking to you, I see God...." My new friend, he was speechless for a good 2 minutes. If you held your breath, that's a mighty long time. He then replied "I will not be so quick to judge you based on your opinions". (Translated: You are a lost lamb. You are blinded by all this new age thinking, you desperately need to be saved).

Everyone was laughing, mingling and eating. I spoke to this other guy who happened to be there the first time as well. You can tell them from the rest. They all or we all have this 'Lost Lamb' look. We exchanged the usual "Hi my name is so-and-so and I do this for a living and btw who brought you here today?" This is the part that gets kinda MLM-ish. Who's your upline again?

The part that gets me about gatherings such as these is the part where they whip out their bibles, cite verses and seek guidance from the word of the Lord. I'm ok with it totally. I just don't understand why it had to take on the solemn air of a funeral.

One minute the room was laughing and the next it was the opposite. I know Christ's crucifixion for the sins of men is a serious matter. But it's not a sad event. We should rejoice because He has saved us. We have to move on. No? You mean God does not have a sense of humor and Bruce Almighty is NOT funny? Ohhh-kayyy, I will not be so quick to judge you based on your opinions.

Well, thanks for a great time. The food was great. Some of the people I met were very interesting and if the agenda was different, I might consider coming back.

I'm back!!

Cure for funky spunk.
For all the women who had to swallow. If your man's semen tastes well, less than pleasant, THERE IS HOPE!! Get Semenex today. The only product proven to sweeten semen. (Thank TV Smith for the recco.) This reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City. You have got to get the uncut VCD/DVD version to appreciate the humor where Samantha thought wheat grass would cure the odd taste in her man's spunk.

Overhaul this life.

It was a frustrating week. Felt like my whole life was in the workshop. My laptop, my car and my body, all broke down.

I've pretty much recovered from the flu now. The rest of the week's drama is still pissing me off.

The cooling fan in my laptop had stopped working (like since 6 months ago). There was an internal melt down that killed the hard drive and fused parts together. 6 more months and I would have to scrape the keyboard off the batteries. Until my baby comes back next week, I'm forced to work on this WIN 98 clunker. Good thing I don't have to pay for the repairs - company's machine.

What really pissed me off this week was my car's AC breaking down. I knew it would be expensive. Two workshops gave me a quote ranging from 500-600. Never one to trust a mechanic, I called a friend who owns a workshop and was assured it would not cost more than 300-400 ringgit. So he took my car and indicated he understood that I was not willing to pay more than 500 ringgit. When the car was fixed, the bill came to 715 ringgit and my friend tells me they were all genuine parts, he does not believe in sub quality materials and I can settle whatever amount I feel comfortable with and pay the rest later.

The fuck was that? I thought you said you wouldn't come in my mouth. Now you expect me to swallow cause your semen content is concentrated ginseng? "Which part of 'NOT WILLING TO PAY MORE THAN 500!!' did you not fucking understand??"

The seminal truth is - no mechanics can be trusted. Mom always say, the more a mechanic knows you, the more he'll skin you.

BTW, there is more goodness in semen than a mechanic. It's a low-cal (15 calories per shot) diet of vitamins and minerals that's great for your skin. But, I would rather eat horse rectum than swallow semen.

Saturday and Sunday

Saturday
Oh God, last night was one wild night - agency parties are nothing if not wild. Lotsa boozing, smoking and groping. The last party had most of the exhibitionists dancing topless on the bar. This time around, it was a strip fest. I was not spared. Made the mistake of wearing a skirt and it was unceremoniously lifted from behind for all to see. May that copywriter be cursed with a thousand hours of writers block and client rejections.

I left early and went to The Cafe (which is actually a pub disguised as a Cafe, part owned by my college buddy Tom). Went there to sober up but ended up drinking some more. Didn't leave until about 3am.

Today, I'm going to check out this new age exercise called Pilates. Man, I have a nasty headache right now.

Then later, to deliver a rescued puppy to his new home.

Sunday
I am dedicating one Sunday each month to studying MLMs, to see if it will broaden, as someone had said, my shallow perspective on the OPPORTUNITIES of MLMs.

A letter to myself - 10 years from today.

Dear Me,

I hope you are having a fabulous day today. I have so many questions to ask you. Ten years from now...

- Are you living in a beautiful house with an indoor garden and a beautiful cobbled path like the one I saw at the Shangrila in Putrajaya in Precinct 1 yesterday? How about an open-air bathroom and a living room with a glass ceiling 2 storeys high? Yeah, the concept of putting everything indoors out and outdoors in.

- I hope you're married by now and to a guy who can live with your temper, moods and the odd noises you make while you sleep. I know you won't have the luck to score a Brad Pitt look alike but I hope you didn't settle for a slob you have to pick up mess after. Unless he comes with money for a maid who can pick up after you as well.

- Does he like the outdoors or is he someone who will say, "Oh, you're going to climb Mount Kinabalu today? Well, have a nice time (sfx: kiss kiss hug hug newspaper pages flipping). Dump him.

- Do you have kids already? I hope they don't scream like the Merkels' kids (the family you stayed with in New Jersey)? I'd be so sorry for you. No I didn't say, "I told you so. " What does it feel like having to constantly change diapers? And breast feeding? What? You wish you hadn't had kids?

- I should ask first - how was the child birth? What did you choose in the end? Natural birth (with or without an epidural), water birth, C-section? Did you lose interest in sex after that?

- Tell me that even with kids, you and your husband still put each other first and go on dates atleast twice a week and holidays far away atleast 4 times a year with no kids in tow.

- Did you remember to teach your kids how to make decisions instead of telling them what and what not to do? Do they love to read, paint and enjoy music? Can they swim before the age of 2? And you're not reading this from prison for drowning your kid, yes?

- How about your career in advertising? I hope to God, you had said 'fuck it' a long long time ago and started a business of your own. I hope it's not in some MLM or selling insurance. Maybe I'm wrong about these two but I honestly think you can do more and make the world a better place to live in.

- What kind of music are you into now? Will it still be rock? Classical, jazz, drum and bass, lounge, rave or something I haven't heard of yet?

- Did you finally get a Sealy bed? Did it help your back? How's your back? Did it improve or you can now tell a storm coming 1 week in advance?

- Did you finally pick up golfing? I know it's never been in you to be in a sport that goes less than 80 mph but let something else take to the air instead of you, ok?

That's all the question I could think of right now. So, I'll hear from you soon.

Love,
Me.

I've been linked.

I just found out I've been added as a link in TV Smith's Dua Sen.

Cosmic Comedy.

I was in Singapore yesterday for a one day business trip. I used to love flying and always wanted a job where I can travel - by air. However, as I grow older, my anxiety about flying grows too. It doesn't help when on my way to the airport, my limo passes a van with a sign that reads 'New Casket Company'. My flight number to Singapore SQ103 adds up to 4, a number in Chinese that sounds a lot like DEATH. On the flight back, MH616 comes back to 4 - DEATH. And when I tried to change the flights to an earlier shuttle, my waiting number was 424 (double death). I decided to stick with my original flight 1 hour later.

Someone Upstairs must think this is really funny.

I cannot afford to fly cattle class anymore. I can only fly business or first class for access to the VIP lounges where champagne flows freely. Champagne can cure any fear of flying. I become so blur and numb I can't find my departure gate.

When my plane landed I couldn't help raising my voice to complain that it was a lousy landing. The whole cattle cabin must have heard. I got some weird stares. Anyway, I am glad to be back on the ground.